


In all these worlds

by ClillaryHinton



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: Angst, Eventual Smut, F/F, Fluff, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-30
Updated: 2017-02-07
Packaged: 2018-09-20 23:40:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9521189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ClillaryHinton/pseuds/ClillaryHinton
Summary: Erin and Holtzmann talk about other worlds, but end up having realisations about this one. My sincere apologies for the tooth rotting fluff. But bear with me, it's free porn?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to my trusted advisor and boredom antidote, Holly. My knocker stuff is your knocker stuff, in every world.

"Hey. What are you thinking about?"

"Quantum theory."

Erin made a noise.

"Urgh. I love quantum theory. "

"I love that you get so excited about quantum theory."

"Bubble or parallel?"

"I don't want to guess. I want to know. I want to break the barrier."

"Sometimes, I'm not sure if you're joking or not."

Holtzmann shook her head.

"You really are crazy."

But there was a delighted smile on her face when she said it.

"I know."

Holtzmann grinned back at her and Erin felt a surge of affection. Her own resident mad scientist.

"Check this out."

Erin followed Holtzmann's finger across the screen.

"It's… Some sort of E8 model..? Nono, wait… There should be another particle for that…But..."

She went to the blackboard and started jotting equations down, forehead scrunched up with concentration. She was oblivious to Holtzmann's eyes on her, leaned forward over her desk in anticipation. She stopped and slowly finished her last calculation.

"God, Holtz… This is crazy."

Erin stared at her with a hand covering her mouth, eyes wide. The expanse of Holtzmann's mind gave her vertigo sometimes.

"You're a genius. You know that, right?"

Holtzmann shrugged.

"It's a little quirky, but could get you closer to a Theory of everything if it works."

She said it like it was nothing. Erin's eyes were suspiciously moist. Holtzmann had shown her this amazing, possibly ground-breaking thing. She felt exhausted just from thinking about the possibilities if further calculations took them in the direction Holtzmann had shown her.  
She switched to another simulation. Erin felt an irrational panic that she would never get to see the other one in its perfect particular symmetry again.  
This one was different. Engineery. She was a theorist: she knew she would probably not understand all aspects of this one, since it was about function. But as an experimental model, it blew her mind, as everything Holtzmann did.

The next one was different again: little earths; a multitude of perfect globes multiplying, slight variations expressed mathematically floating across the screen.

Holtzmann pointed to one of them.

"What are you doing in that one?"

"What do you mean?"

"Erin Gilbert, parallel universe, any possible outcome. What are you doing?"

"You want to know what I might... do in a parallel universe? Me, personally?"

Erin was taken aback by the change of perspective from the known universe to her known universe.

Holtzmann nodded enthusiastically.

"Still working at Columbia, possibly…? The variations are likely small, so..."

"Unacceptable. They did not appreciate you."

Holtzmann put an arm around her shoulders.

"True."

Holtzmann could make her feel like that in a split second. Special. Like she truly was too good for Columbia.

"You're obviously working for Cern in one of them."

"This is probably gonna come as a huge shock to you, but I don't exactly do well with authority figures. So there's probably at least one where I'm fired from Cern."

Erin pulled a face.

"I know the feeling."

"Except it would totally be my own fault."

Holtzmann squeezed her shoulder. That was the thing about her: she seemed like this weird eccentric, too busy causing explosions with childlike glee to care about trivial stuff like Erin's feelings. But sometimes, Holtz was the only one who heard what Erin was actually saying, not just the words. She was happy she got fired. She was even happier she was a ghostbuster. But she still remembered the feeling in her body walking down the hall of shame with her cardboard box of sadness.

They spend the night shifting between universes. She had the strange feeling that Holtzmann was possibly more interested in Erin's universe than the limits of the known one. There was so much about Holtzmann and her universe she didn't know. Brilliant scientist and maker. Loyal friend. Reckless. Fearless. Fiercely protective. Quirky dresser, eccentric dancer. Gay. Tactile. Brutally honest. Truly able to be happy for other people. Then what?

"I might be a destitute artist."

"Artist…? Really?"

"Yup. Went to art school briefly, in Copenhagen. But for some reason, they didn't consider building a small reactor on school premises art."

Holtzmann rolled her eyes in an exaggerated manner. Erin laughed and made a mental note to have her show her whatever skill obviously got her into art school.  
She pointed to the screen.

"In the best possible world, what would you do?"

Holtzmann was quiet for quite a long time. She thought to herself that this world, right here and now, might be the best one. Being a ghostbuster. Having friends. Sitting so close to Erin. Always Erin. She was her best world.

"I like this one."

That's what she said. Not "I love any world where I know you. There are probably parallel worlds where I don't, and it kills me. Being without you is the worst thing I can imagine." She didn't say that part. She wasn't that crazy.

Holtzmann's arm stayed around Erin's shoulder. Her hand gravitated to her neck. As they talked, she started to move her thumb along the base of her skull. Erin's focus shifted. She was still there with Holtzmann in the weighing of theories, but thirty percent of her brain was shut down to leave room for the warm sensation of the caress. Erin had no idea how starved she was of physical affection before meeting Holtzmann and her hands-on, tactile personality. Possible scientific breakthrough and Erin Gilbert worried that Holtzmann might stop touching her. Holtzmann did strange things to her priorities.

***

Erin slept badly. But not in a bad way. Holtzmann's model wouldn't leave her alone. And she couldn't stop thinking about what would happen if you could see the other side of that barrier. Was it even possible to express mathematically? She couldn't wait to continue the conversation.

Holtzmann was listening to Pretenders, precariously dancing with a cup of hot coffee in her hand. She smiled at Erin and lip synced to the words with exaggerated motions.

_Don't get me wrong… I see neon lights, whenever you walk by._

_Don't get me wrong… If I'm acting so distracted. I'm thinking about the fireworks, whenever you are near._

"I've done some calculations on that model you showed me."

"I love it when you talk dirty."

Holtzmann pulled some of her own calculations up on her screen and Erin frowned as she compared them. Quickly, she went over to her whiteboard and wrote something down. When she turned around Holtzmann was staring at her, head rested in her hands and the hint of a smile on her lips.

"What?"

"Just watching your brain."

Erin shook her head and smiled. But she loved it. She loved how the other ghostbusters got her. How Holtzmann understood what she was doing. How she could reveal herself in all her awkward geekiness and still be liked. She hadn't realized it at the time, but she had been intellectually starved when she worked at Columbia.

***

"Before being haunted, my dream job was astronaut."

"Obviously."

It was Friday night and both were too tired to make other plans than drinking bad beer sitting on the old lab couch. Or, Erin was too tired. She could have sworn that Holtz had some lecture she wanted to go to or something like that. But she didn't question her, she was just glad of the company.

They ended up talking about alternative worlds again.

"You too?"

"Probably dreamed more about building starships than being in them… Besides, you'd make a better astronaut than me. Lots of protocol to follow. You're protocol girl, not me."

"You're walking chaos theory, Holtzmann."

"I'll have you know that my tools are very well organized."

"Not sure organized is the term I'd use."

"You just do not get my system."

"Is chaos a system?"

"I'd die to get to work on the ISS. I have some ideas for improving their machinery."

"You'd build a reactor, put it on a shuttle, wait until an alien came along and give it the keys?

"Ha. Funny. You're a funny woman. I like that."

Erin still enjoyed making good-natured fun of Holtzmann for leaving the keys in the Ecto1 to be stolen by a joyriding ghost.

"I did write to them a while back, with a few suggestions."

"Oh no, you don't. We need you here. No space station for you."

"Don't worry, I'd keep in touch."

"Really? How exactly would you keep in touch from the space station?"

"You can call people. At least family. So maybe we'd have to get married."

Holtzmann winked at her.

"Unless we both lived there. Then we could just talk to each other at the end of the day like normal married people, before we do the falling asleep standing up thing."

Erin was taken aback. Holtzmann had always flirted a little in her quirky way. But married…? Wow. She didn't know what to say.

"Would they even let a married couple go up together?"

That was not what she intended to say. At all. But it wasn't the first time Holtzmann made her surprise herself.

"Guess we'll have to get married and ask them."

"Funny, Holtz."

Erin changed the subject. It felt safer.

"Apparently you know a lot about cadavers, so you could be a coroner, or something else appropriately ghoulish."

"You can follow rules, so you could be law enforcement. FBI. We could investigate the paranormal together."

"You realize you made us into Mulder and Scully, right?"

"Umm… That may have been on purpose. Love that show."

"The whole show, or just Scully?"

Holtzmann smiled. Erin knew her better than she let on.

"Both. Scully, OBVIOUSLY. But both."

"Well, we're already investigating the paranormal, so..."

"Exactly. Another beer, Mulder?"

"Apart from the cadaver thing, I'm pretty sure you're Mulder."

It wasn't the first time Holtzmann made them a couple. Maybe she shouldn't indulge her, but there was a disarming quality to Holtzmann's flirting, like it was too blatant and too obvious to be an issue. Besides, Erin liked it, even if she didn't give Holtzmann the satisfaction of knowing that, it would make her way too cocky.

"Then there's the time travel aspect."

Holtzmann says it like it's nothing. Time travel. Erin feels her heart start pounding fast. She's been thinking about that. Even done some pretty unorthodox calculations. Holtzmann's model opened so many possibilities up.

"I've been skeptical, but I'm not so sure now. I mean, we did see a ghost try to ruin New York and I went halfway through a portal to some yet unspecified 'other side', so… We should do some more calculations on that, by the way."

"You have to tell me about it some time."

"I showed you the first theory. That's pretty much how far I've come."

"Not mathematically."

"Oh... I was pretty focused on Abby. I was a bad scientist."

"And a really good friend."

"In some of these worlds, Abby and I probably didn't make it back through the vortex..."

Holtzmann grabbed her hand and squeezed it. Hard. Almost too hard to be pleasant.

"Don't want to talk about those."

Holtzmann didn't let go. For the rest of the conversation, Erin's hand was in hers, in a firm grip.

***

It turns into a game. A ritual, even. They would end up engrossed in alternative worlds and the role they would play in them. They were both aware, as scientists, that they had gotten far away from quantum theory by now. It had started out as work, or at least science. Now it was somewhere between an immensely enjoyable game and… something else? Erin wasn't sure how to define it, she just knew she had become addicted to spending time in the alternative worlds of Holtzmann's mind. Or maybe just to being with Holtzmann in this world. She was the most brilliant and unconventional mind she had faced. And she wanted to talk about Erin. Not about how she might revolutionize experimental particle physics. Just about Erin. What would Erin do, or think, in a certain situation? That was the most important find of all to Holtzmann.

They're sitting on the floor, facing each other. Their knees are touching, barely. Erin never sat on floors, before Holtzmann. Abby said that Holtzmann never used to be still, the way she is with Erin. Erin doesn't know what that means, if anything. But she likes it.  
They've both been a bit obsessed with time travel lately. Unsurprisingly, Holtzmann wants to be a pirate. Erin didn't even have to wait for it to know she was going to be cast as Holtzmann's wench. She objected and Holtzmann begrudgingly demoted Abby and made her first mate instead. They both agreed that Patty would make an awesome, fearsome pirate.

Holtzmann goes to the old west next. Erin knows she was going to be a renegade gunslinger before she says it, it makes sense. Erin wants to be one too, even though she suspects it's more likely that she'd be the town schoolteacher. But Holtzmann puts her behind the saloon bar and winks and says she'd come in for a drink every single night.

"Why can't I be the gunslinger? And you be the barmaid?"

"Excuse me? Who makes guns, you or me? Who teaches whom to shoot them?"

"Fair point. But you'd make a good barmaid."

"I would make a TERRIBLE barmaid."

"You'd sell so much booze, though,"

Holtzmann hiked her eyebrows up.

"I would…?

"Well, you're really pretty, so people would want to talk to you…"

"Oh."

Erin had never voiced the opinion that Holtzmann was beautiful before and now her colleague seemed like she didn't know what to do with the information. But it was just an objective fact. Holtzmann was gorgeous.

Erin looked away, self-conscious. She took a sip of the wine Holtzmann had brought. She was such a dark horse: it was really good. Erin almost lost focus on the rest when the first mouthful exploded on her tongue. It was Friday night, and Erin was feeling a subtle but pleasant buzz as the second glass worked its magic. The heavy red played tricks on her tongue. Like telling Holtzmann she was pretty.

The date-like quality of the evening was not completely lost on her. Alone in the fire house, drinking, the leftovers of dinner on the table, lights dimmed for atmosphere. Except in their case, dinner-and-movie was dinner-and-parallel-realities. She and Holtzmann weren't lovers, they were just colleagues and friends. Close friends, but still. Holtzmann knew she wasn't gay. She shook the feeling, or tried to, as Holtzmann's fingers brushed hers while she was excitedly telling her a story about something Rebecca Gorin had said about string theory. Gorin was not a fan. It was pretty funny.

They were sitting curled up on either end of the second-floor lab couch now, Erin yawning occasionally, cradling a third glass of wine in her hand. It was after midnight. Holtzmann had left the future behind and was talking about the more recent past. Erin wasn't sure she liked the story much.

"Could have lived in Honolulu, I guess."

"Hawaii?"

"There was this girl I met in college. She was serious about us but I kind of didn't get that until much later. So, guess I might be living in Hawaii in one those worlds."

Erin frowned. A world where Holtzmann was married, but didn't joke about it being to her.

"Did you… Did you like her enough to marry her?"

"I was too young to know what I wanted and she was much older than me. Maybe if we'd met later."

The frown deepened. She didn't know why she hated the idea of Holtzmann getting married in college and moving to Hawaii. She decided that it was about waste of talent. Holtzmann belonged at Cern. Or here, with them. Mostly with them. They needed her. Erin needed her.

***

The following night, Erin was moving through the dark, quiet fire station. She couldn't sleep. She didn't turn any lights on: she liked it in the dark, just the street light making shadows. Something was keeping her up and annoyingly, she couldn't pinpoint what it was. There was just this feeling, this idea in the back of her mind and it refused to move into her consciousness. She was almost sure it wasn't work related: everything had gone almost disconcertingly smoothly since they saved New York city.

"You carry a lot of tension in your shoulders."

Erin jumped.

"Jesus, Holtz."

"Sorry."

But Erin could hear from her smiling voice that she wasn't. Holtzmann rarely was. Her hands landed on her shoulders and Erin moaned as she kneaded the tense muscle.

"Sit."

She did, gratefully. Holtzmann had magical hands. They built beautiful, lethal things and had an immediately calming effect on Erin.

After she finished, Holtzmann's hands rested lightly on her warm, relaxed shoulder. Erin had the feeling that something else should happen now. That she should turn around and… do what, exactly? There was something in the thick silence that suggested that Holtzmann was waiting for something too. But how do you express something you can't define yourself?

She said goodnight. But she didn't want to go. Holtzmann lingered. They spent almost an hour in another world, where Erin for some reason worked in a post office and Holtzmann was a mailman. They laughed at how none of them could quite explain how they ended up there or why. Erin went to bed and watched the sun rise, thinking about how she liked the way Holtzmann's nose scrunched up and her eyes became even more cat-like when she laughed.

***  
Erin had developed a disconcerting habit of staring at Holtzmann. She was aware that she was staring, but she couldn't seem to stop.

Holtzmann sat at her work station, absentmindedly toying with the ScrewU pendant around her neck. Erin felt slightly mesmerised by the repetitive motion of her hands. The sliding of slender fingers over the smooth metal. She shocked herself by thinking that those nimble fingers probably had driven many girls crazy. And there it was again, her pink tongue. Erin stared at Holtzmann's lower lip as her tongue darted out and licked it. Her lips were so ridiculously full. And they always looked kiss swollen, somehow. It had taken Erin a while to realize how beautiful Holtzmann was. She had been distracted by the colorful chaos surrounding her. But now, she thought about it almost every time she looked at her. She had no idea if Holtzmann really knew. The first time Erin had seen her with her hair down and no makeup, she had stared for so long Holtzmann had asked if something was wrong. No, nothing. I just can't take my eyes off you and I have no idea why that is. She had discovered that Holtzmann's eyebrows were blond without makeup. Almost the same color as her hair. And here she was, staring again.

"Is there... something on my face?"

Erin felt heat in her cheeks. She might have been blushing.

"Sorry. Just spacing out."

***

Holtzmann almost didn't say anything all day. Even Erin, who could be oblivious of things like that, caught her looking at her several times. She saw her in the reflection of a shiny metal surface, distractedly running the pad of her finger along her lower lip. Her forehead was scrunched up, like she was worried about something.

"Patty?"

"Mmm?"

"Is this a bad outfit for me? Did I spill coffee on myself or something?"

"Nah, you look awesome. Why do you ask?"

Erin wore shorts. It might be a little premature, spring wasn't fully there yet. She'd had it with winter and refused to bundle up anymore. But they were warm for shorts and besides, they're not the type of shorts meant for summer anyway, they’re too warm and too formal. She wore tights underneath, just in case.

"Holtz has kind of been staring at me, like something's wrong."

Patty laughed.

"Baby, there's nothing wrong."

"But…"

"Listen. You look really good in shorts, you have great legs. Holtzmann was probably just checking you out. She's sucker for the ladies, she can't help it. It's like with you and Kevin."

Erin felt almost offended, but she had to admit that it was a fair assessment. She tried to remember the last time she had ogled Kevin. Was it after saving New York? She realized she hadn't given him much thought at all, lately.

***  
Holtzmann went out that night, she didn't say where. Erin stayed behind to do some reading and get some alone time. She used to love having time to herself and she hasn't had much of it lately. In the quiet fire station, she discovered that she might have lost her taste for it. She missed Holtzmann. It's not even ten when she started to feel annoyed. Where was she? Why wasn't she home yet? It's after midnight when she finally comes. Erin was tired and had almost given up and gone to bed. She smiled when she heard the familiar steps downstairs and went to meet her. When Holtzmann swore and knocked something over, Erin realized that she's drunk. Much drunker than Erin has ever seen her.

Holtzmann caught her by surprise when she wrapped her arms around her neck. She smiled a drunken, euphoric smile.

"Babe."

"Hi, Holtz. Good night?"

Holtzmann buried her face in the crook of her neck, pushed her nose against Erin and inhaled. She made a contented noise. She looked up at her and while it was obvious that she's seeing at least one of Erin, if not two, Erin got distracted by her beautiful blue eyes.

"What if it's this world?"

Erin didn't understand.

"This world what?"

"What if… We were married in this world? What if this is the world where that happens?"

Erin froze. She kicked herself mentally for leading Holtzmann on by going along with all the banter about being married. She didn't want to hurt Holtzmann's feelings. She didn't want to risk ruining the dynamics of the group. She panicked.

"Funny, Holtzmann. Really funny."

Her laughed sounded so forced she cringed. She smiled stiffly, way too widely to seem real.

"Let's get you to bed, Jillian."

She couldn't look at Holtzmann. She didn't want to know if there was hurt on her face. She hated when Holtzmann was sad. But she was straight. And they were working together. And she was going to pretend that this had never happened.

Holtzmann pushed her hand away, gently.

"Sorry. I'm… Sorry. Gonna go to bed."

When Erin reached out for her, she took a step back.

"Thanks, but I'm good."

Holtzmann walked toward her room in a perfectly straight line. Erin seemed to have sobered her up better than black coffee.

***

The next morning, she stiffened as she heard Holtzmann coming toward the kitchen and forced her face into a cheerful mask. She heard Holtzmann take a deep breath right behind her, before saying anything.

"I'm sorry. About yesterday."

"That's OK. You were drunk."

Erin hated the brittle cheerfulness of her voice. Holtzmann must hear it too.


	2. Chapter 2

Holtzmann withdrew for a few days and Erin let her. She knew embarrassment intimately and the healing process required.

On the third day, there was a big bust and they did great and she squeezed Holtzmann's shoulder after and she seemed fine with it, she even smiled. They celebrated that night, as usual. Holtzmann danced, as usual. She laughed and joked around with Abby. But Erin noticed how she barely touched any alcohol, leaving her beer two thirds full on the table. Probably just as well, even though she hated being the cause of Holtzmann being anything but 100% Holtzmann. 

She was a little cautious around her, but everything seemed fine. Maybe Patty and Abby seemed to be around a little more lately and they were rarely alone. And Holtzmann still didn't drink much, tinkered a little more and talked a little less about alternative worlds. But everything seemed fine and Erin relaxed, assuming they were back to normal. She convinced herself that it hadn't been a big deal. She almost convinced herself that Holtzmann hadn't actually said anything about being married in this world. Because Erin was straight. She repeated it to herself as a mantra when she was furious at Holtzmann for the flashes of panic and confusion she had when she thought about it. And the stabs of tenderness when she remembered Holtzmann's defeated shoulders as she walked away. They were fine now. And Erin was straight and nothing had happened. 

***  
A few days later, Erin heard Holtzmann's music playing upstairs. She smiled as she recognized Bananarama. She expected to find her dancing like a monkey on crack, as usual. Probably while using some dangerous piece of equipment or some lethal weapon. She frowned when she reached the top of the stairs. Bananarama was stating that they'd heard a rumor, to say someone had a broken heart. The tune was seriously catchy: even Erin found it hard not to dance. So where was Holtzmann? She was definitely in the lab: her chunky boots were next to her work station, her half-gloves thrown carelessly on top of some wiring. A cup of forgotten coffee and an open can of her favorite soft drink. All irrefutable signs of Holtzmanness.  
On soft soles, Erin walked to the back of the room. There she was, sitting with her back against the wall. She was uncharacteristically barefoot, holding a pillow to the chest of her dye splashed overalls. No goggles, yellow or otherwise. Her long hair was coming loose from the pins. The fit of her t-shirt was strange. It occurred to Erin that it might be... hers? There was something about the worn neckline… She shook it off. Why would Holtzmann be wearing her clothes? Holtzmann hadn't noticed her yet: the loud music made Erin's sneakers silent. She turned her head and Erin realized she was crying quietly. No dramatic sobs, just clear rivulets down her cheeks.

"Jillian… What's the matter?"

Holtzmann could hardly have heard her through the noise. She turned the music off. The din of the silence was deafening. She shrugged with a sad smile. Holtzmann was beautiful when she cried. Or maybe it was just this quirk Erin had, that she found Holtzmann beautiful whatever she did. Her red rimmed eyes broke her heart.

"Come on… Tell me?"

"It's nothing."

Erin reached for her hand, but she pulled it away. 

"It's… Kind of private. Alone time private." 

It hurt. Erin got that there were things about Holtzmann she didn't know and probably even some things that Holtzmann didn't want her to know. But she felt so close to her. Like they might be friends in many incarnations in many worlds. It was stupid that it hurt so much. Maybe Holtzmann was just a person who liked to cry in private. But Erin wanted to hold her and be there for her. And if she were honest with herself, she couldn't understand why Holtzmann wouldn't let her. If she got upset, Holtzmann would be the one she ran to. Abby and Patty too, of course. But if she wanted to be held by someone while crying, her first thought would be Holtzmann. She still remembered how tight she had held her when she and Abby came out on the other side of the vortex. 

"Of course, I didn't mean to… Intrude."

She smiled. She could feel how stiff it was, like trying to make a mask smile. Like when Holtzmann said they should be married in this world. She got up, even though it hurt physically to walk away from Holtzmann in that state. 

***

Holtzmann used to look at her like she was the best thing that ever happened to her. Erin hadn't appreciated it at the time, she had become spoiled with being the centre of Holtzmann's attention. But Holtzmann had stopped. And she missed it so much her chest ached. Holtzmann's worlds were solo efforts now. The other day, she had gone to Mars without her. No mention of even being in touch. 

She made an effort to get the closeness back. She'd go talk to Holtzmann even if she gave short answers and touch her in passing when she walked past. She'd spend time watching her work and praise her inventions. Gradually, Holtzmann seemed to let her back in. There was a little voice in the back of her head whispering that maybe she was taking it too far, maybe she was toying with Holtzmann's feelings. Like when they watched a documentary about paranormal research with the other ghostbusters and she curled up with her on the sofa, her arm not quite around her shoulders, but resting just behind her. Holtzmann turned toward her and commented on something and pressed up against her and Erin's hands landed on her knee. Her naked knee, since she was just in the boxer shorts she slept in. Holtzmann was soft and warm and she defiantly kept them there, even though Abby kept looking over at them with a concerned frown on her face. Erin told herself that she and Holtzmann had always been like that and there was nothing strange going on. Just as it wasn't strange when Holtzmann's arm became heavier and ended up resting on her shoulders after all and she drew little, light circles on her upper arm that made Erin want to purr like cat with contentment. Or that she fell asleep with her head on her shoulder. Same thing when she smeared cream on Holtzmann's cheek the next day while they were making pancakes and ended up being chased through the fire station by Holtzmann and a can of chantilly. It was perfectly normal to be out of breath when you had just been chased and not because your friend had cornered you and was so close that you can feel the heat of her naked shoulder against your own as she is standing there in just the shorts and a tank top. Because Erin was straight, nothing had happened and everything was fine.  
She refused to meet Abby's gaze afterward. And she was certainly not in love with Holtzmann. 

***  
Then everything fell apart. Rebecca Gorin came and Holtzmann told her that they were dating and it might just have been a joke, Erin had no clue of the dynamic between her and Gorin. She could have laughed and shrugged it off or said something non-committal. Instead, there was that brittle voice she hated, saying that they weren't dating and that she was dating Kevin the receptionist. Abby called her out. But by then it was too late. Gorin had decided that Erin wasn't worth her attention and a metal wall slammed down between her and Holtzmann. 

*** 

"Or if we… If we were married we wouldn't have to call each other, because we'd be living together."

It was the first time Erin had said it. The first bubble where they were married because Erin decided it was the probable outcome. Holtzmann hadn't even wanted to talk about alternative worlds. Or anything, really. Erin knew she should give her space. But it was like she couldn't help herself. 

Holtzmann looked at her. She didn't smile or go along with the joke.

"We're not married, Erin. Maybe you're married to Kevin in that world."

She got up.

"Gotta check on my project."

Saying that she might be married to Kevin should have sounded like a magnanimous wish for something she might have wanted. Her ogling of Kevin had been about simple desire. But still: it should have been a nice thing to say. So why did it feel like Holtzmann had been unkind to her?  
She left Erin on the floor, thinking how she would really have liked to play married to Holtzmann in just one more fantasy world. 

***

"Girl… You ogling Kevin again?"

"No!"

It was actually true this time. She had been staring out into thin air. Kevin had just happened to be in her sightline. She did a lot of staring into thin air these days.

Patty sighed. 

"You do not have to settle for that. There are alternatives." 

"What do you mean?"

"I'm just saying you have... options, is all."

"What 'options'?" 

"Better options than Kevin."

"Kevin's really handsome."

"Yup. And really dumb. As a box of rocks."

Erin didn't say anything. Patty was right. 

"That boyfriend of yours seemed smart. Thought that was more your type. Smart and attractive."

"Phil was… handsome. I suppose. And he was smart."

"Was he nice, though?"

Erin shrugged. 

"Not really. Not when it counted."

"So, what you should be looking for is smart and attractive and nice."

"That seems impossible to find."

"Baby. I worry about you, I really do. And Holtzmann."

"Holtz?"

"Sure. It's not like it's going to be a picnic in the park for her to find someone."

"Holtz? Are you kidding? Women would probably fall over themselves to date her if she ever left the lab."

"Holtzmann…? Really?"

"What do you mean? Holtzmann's beautiful."

"Holtzmann's attractive? You're kidding, right?"

Erin was so upset she found it hard to form proper sentences.

"Are you serious, Patty? Have you seen her? Her face? She has this amazing bone structure. Her cheekbones? And her dimples aren't quite the same size when she smiles, even though the rest of her face is ridiculously symmetric. And her eyes… Didn't know it was possible for eyes to be that blue. And the way everything looks good on her? Can you imagine me in paint splashed overalls? I'd look ridiculous, it's not even fair. And she's got a great…sense of humour."

"Why do I get the feeling that was not what you were going to say?"

"And Patty… She's so smart. I mean, you and me and Abby, we're smart. But Holtzmann is a genius. I wish you were a mathematician, so you could see how her mind works."

"Oh, I don't really think you need to be good at math to get that Holtzy's smart. I've got the ghost chipper to prove it."

"I can't believe that you said she's not attractive..."

Patty laughed, heartily, from her belly. 

"Oh, baby, I know Holtzy's a dreamboat. If penis hadn't been one of the main requirements for me in a partner and she hadn't been half my size, I would be there like a shot."

"Then why did you…?"

"I wanted to hear you describe her. And hear yourself describe her."

"There's nothing wrong with how I describe her." Erin said defensively.

"Exactly. There's nothing wrong with Holtzmann in your eyes. You could hardly put together three sentences about your ex boyfriend. And all you had for Kevin was "handsome". Even you know how dumb that lovable doofus is. But with Holtzmann, you won't shut up. Doesn't that tell you something?"

"Holtzmann is my friend. Our friend. We love her."

"Some of us a little more than others, maybe…"

Erin's mouth was angry straight line. She hated how Patty was putting her on the spot like this.

"Baby, why are you fighting this? Holtz is a catch. Go catch her. Don't play it like you don't want a piece of that. I see the way you look at her."

Erin closed her eyes. She was so confused. And apparently completely transparent, to everyone but herself.

"But I'm not… I've never even…"

"Does it matter?"

"What do you mean? Of course it matters!"

"Does it matter…if you love her? Can't love be enough of a definition?"

"Fuck you, Patty."

Her voice was full of affection. Patty was impossible to fool. It was easier to fool herself. 

***

Later that day, she found Holtzmann flung over the back of the lab couch, looking for something that had rolled in under it. Erin looked at her. Looked at her body and her own physical reaction to it. Holtzmann had a great ass. For the first time, Erin allowed herself to wonder what it would feel like to put her hands on her hips, grab them and pull her into herself, that great ass pressed against her. Bending down to kiss the exposed skin of her shoulder...

Holtzmann didn't touch her anymore. The feeling of loss was akin to starving. Erin grabbed her hand and pulled her back up. Holtzmann flinched almost imperceptibly. She had probably assumed it was Abby taking her hand. They were close for a few seconds, before Holtzmann took a step back. Erin felt the warmth of her body lingering, even if they hadn't touched apart from holding hands. She felt robbed. There was a void where the closeness had been. Erin hated it. She needed to make it right.

"Do you want to… Watch a movie or something? Hang out tonight?"

"I have a date, actually."

She was totally unprepared for how those words would make her feel. Like a puncture wound to her chest. She managed a stiff smile and a nod. Even that motion hurt. 

"Have fun."

She backed away from Holtzmann, hating herself for the insincere tone of her voice. She couldn't even be happy for her. 

The sound of the door slamming as Holtzmann left that night felt like a slap. If someone had asked her days ago if she would have had a problem with Holtzmann going on a date she would have laughed and denied it. Delusion is one thing. But physical pain is hard to deny. 

She looked at herself in the mirror, face free of makeup. She looked old. Boring. She poked the crow's feet of her left eye. Made a face at herself. No wonder Holtzmann had lost interest in flirting with her. This was all there was. Boring old Erin. Holtzmann was full of energy and could light up a room just by entering it. There was a picture of them, Holtzmann's arm around her shoulders; they were laughing at something. Erin had looked at herself and hardly recognised her face. She looked so happy, all shine and sparkle. Where was that Erin now? She poked her tired face again.

She was pacing. She was being selfish, unkind and horrible. Holtzmann had every right to have a life outside of the Ghostbusters gang. Every right to look for love in other places than this old fire station. After all, she had made it abundantly clear that she wasn't interested. Any girl would be lucky to have Holtzmann. Because Holtzmann was wonderful. Kind, strange and devastatingly attractive, she should be any girl's dream. Any gay girl, she corrected herself in her head. Because Erin wasn't gay. She was just devastated that Holtzmann was somewhere else, with a girl that wasn't her. That wasn't the same thing. Right?

She tried to sound casual when she asked.

"Holtz back yet?"

"Don't think so. Why do you ask?"

"No reason."

Abby glanced at Patty. 

"That girl has been pacing like a tiger in a cage all night. What's wrong with her?"

"Not sure. Not sure she is either."

Erin craved a distraction from the fact that Holtzmann was out there, laughing with some other woman, maybe touching her. She knew she shouldn't be using Holtzmann's computer. But she wanted to look at one of her models again, maybe she could use all this negative energy to solve one of the problems they'd been mulling over. She knew her password; Holtzmann had casually given it to Abby like it was no big deal, so Erin told herself she couldn't be that private about it. 

She smiled when she saw her desktop. A picture of them outside the Stonebrook Theatre, Holtzmann holding up the ghost containment unit in front of a cheering crowd. Erin was looking at her, laughing, affection painted all over her face. 

It was just sitting there on her desktop. A file marked "Erin". There were no files marked Abby or Patty. Just Erin. With trepidation, she opened it. She couldn't help herself. If she didn't do it, she would spend the rest of her life wondering what Holtzmann would put in a file marked Erin.

Film clips. Several shorter ones, one longer. She clicked on the first one, heart beating fast. The first few seconds were familiar: the Aldridge mansion, Holtzmann making fun of her outfit. Erin's declaration that she believed in ghosts. Then some weapons tests, filmed so that Holtzmann could study the effect more closely. Then the clips changed. They were just snippets of her, working. Talking to Abby. Dancing with Patty. Even eating a donut. It went on and on. Just her, doing mundane things. One clip was longer than the others. It was just her, reading, playing with her hair and smiling to herself. The camera drifted closer, creating an intimacy with the subject. It should have felt invasive. But it didn't. She felt the love and affection behind the hand holding the camera. It was like she saw herself through Holtzmann's eyes. And she was beautiful. She found herself tearing up. She had thrown this away. For what? To be seen as something she wasn't by people she didn't care about? To be able to keep some label on herself? To not have to deal with emotions she couldn't control?

She noticed Holtzmann's straight razor next to her computer. She wasn't even sure why, but she liked fiddling with it. Its handle was pleasantly worn and the weight in her hands felt soothing. She opened it and almost ran the tip if her finger along it to test the edge, before realizing what she was doing. It would be sharp. Very sharp, if she knew Holtzmann. And she liked to think that she did. Holtzmann was a master at bringing out the best in her equipment. She made materials and machines exceed themselves and what the world deemed possible. She did it to people too. Erin exceeded herself with Holtzmann. She looked at the glistening edge. Holtzmann was a woman. And Erin wasn't gay. So, she couldn't be in love with Holtzmann, because only gay women fell in love with other women. That had been Erin's logic when reaching the conclusion that she wasn't in love with Holtzmann. But her symptoms… Another razor answered her question: Occam's. The simplest explanation was that she was in love with Holtzmann. Even if she shouldn't be in love with Holtzmann and she had no idea how it happened, she was. Just because something shouldn't happen didn't mean it wouldn't: the law of Holtzmann's razor.

She had to talk to her. She had a hunch where she might be, there was a bar she liked. For all her eccentricities, in some things, Holtzmann was a creature of habit. Her chest was tight, it was difficult to breathe as she looked for her jacket with a sense of strange urgency, like she was late for something. 

She started running about halfway there. When she arrived, she was sweaty, her nose runny and the wind made her eyes tear up. She noticed how dressed up everyone was compared to her. Friday night. It was Friday and the world was out celebrating. She had been so preoccupied she had forgotten what day it was. She looked down on her jeans and old t-shirt with a small but visible coffee stain.

There she was. Holtzmann, next to a girl at the bar. All dark, sultry, gothy perfection, just the type Holtzmann should be attracted to. Erin saw an artful sleeve tattoo on a sleeveless arm as the girl turned her head and Holtzmann leaned in to meet her. 

A monster swept down, tore Erin's ribcage open and filled it with molten lead. It kept her eyes on the woman she loved kissing someone else while it dragged its black claw along the burns.

She turned, then stopped, hesitating. She wanted to go back and confront Holtzman for doing something perfectly normal: dating a woman who had expressed an interest in her. Someone available. Insane didn't even begin to describe it. She started running and didn't stop until she reached the fire station, leaned against the door, and tried to catch her breath as her chest burned from the exertion.

Seeing Holtzmann kiss another woman devastated her. And made her furious. She realized with a start that in her head, Holtzmann was cheating on her. She knew that statement was the opposite of true. Holtzmann had never been less "hers" than she was now and it was all Erin's fault. Erin resented her for doing something that she herself had pushed her to do. It was crazy.

"You're dating the receptionist, remember?"

Her sarcastic voice sounded loud in the domed darkness of the fire station. A wave of self-loathing washed over her.

She went for the stash of alcohol in a cupboard at a safe distance from all the flammables in the lab. Spitefully, she chose a bottle she knew belonged to Holtzmann. She glanced at her worn leather jacket and took that up on the roof too. Maybe to torture herself, since the scent of Holtzmann was in every fiber of it. 

She's drunk now. Or she wants to be, but it won't happen. Her brain has decided she's to remain conscious through the pain. 

She knows who it's going to be before the safety door to the roof swings open. She knows her steps and this is where Holtzmann goes to think. 

"You're… Wearing my jacket…?"

"Wow. You really are a genius, Holtz."

She takes a swig of the whisky. She has no idea why she's being so waspish and cruel. The flash of hurt on Holtzmann's face cuts like the razor in her pocket.

"How was your date?"

"Fine. How was your night?"

"I've been trying to get drunk. I failed."

"I've had nights like that."

She didn't specify, but Erin got the feeling she meant recently. 

Erin swallowed the taste of bile in the throat before asking.

"Are you going to see her again?"

"No."

"Why…?"

"I'm still… There were obstacles."

Holtzmann laughed. A joyless sound.

"Let's just say she was not interested in quantum mechanics." 

"But you kissed her...?"

Holtzmann stared at her, mouth hanging open.

"I went to get a drink at my favourite bar. You were there, I saw you. She's attractive."

"Your favourite bar? As in the one I like to go to, but you don't like because you think it's noisy and they play weird music?"

"Who is she?"

"Just someone I met last time I went to the Pig and Apple."

"Pig and Apple?"

"Your favourite bar… She works there. She's the new bartender." 

"Did you meet her before or after you lost interest in me?"

"That's one way of putting it."

"It's the only way of putting it. You stopped marrying me."

She knew how unfair she was being. She had denied her interest in Holtzmann not only once, but twice. The last time in front of her mentor.

Holtzmann sighed.

"I lost my way in improbable possibilities. Sorry it took so long to get the message."

"Were you serious? About what you said to Dr. Gorin?"

Holtzmann did her the courtesy of not pretending she didn't know what she was talking about. She shrugged.

"Thought I was being funny. Tested the waters. My bad. Like I said, message received."

Holtzmann finally looked up at her. Her voice was pained and she spoke stiffly.

"I fell in love with you. I didn't mean to, it just happened. Not going to say I'm sorry, because I'm not. I just need you to give me some time to get over you."

Erin shook her head.

"The standard model doesn't explain everything." 

"What?"

"It doesn't explain gravity. Why bodies are drawn to each other. I'm a physicist, I should have known that. You and me? I'm thinking it's not gravity, or the weak force, but the strong force." 

She looked into Holtzmann's confused blue eyes. 

"The strong coupling constant."

She wrapped her tongue around the words. The coupling constant. 

"You can't revert to an earlier state. It's against the laws of physics."

She said it almost accusingly.

"Give me your gloves."

"What?"

"Give me your damn gloves."

Her voice was hard, almost hostile. She doesn't mean for it to be, but she's terrified.

She put the bottle down and dropped Holtzmann's gloves on the ground. She may not be riotously drunk, but she was grateful for the dutch courage as she grabbed Holtzmann's collar and pressed her lips against hers. She didn't intend for it to be deep and passionate and make her lose her breath. That just happened, since she was unprepared for how good it would feel.

"I want you to touch me. Gloveless."

Holtzmann looked into her eyes.

"Erin… Are you sure? I can't do anymore heartbreak."

"I'm sure."

She was. Still, many things were unfamiliar: kissing someone shorter than herself. Someone without hard surfaces or sharp angles. With soft curves that fitted surprisingly well with her own. Ridiculously full lips and small hands. A breast pressed against her ribcage as she pulled her closer. A handful of blond curls as she cupped her neck. How hard her heart was beating. How aroused she got. What a ridiculously good kisser Holtzmann was. How she impatiently whispered "bedroom" and they still got stuck halfway down the stairs because she couldn't bring herself to stop kissing Holtzmann for long enough for them to make it down. How comfortable she felt being naked with her and how she didn't care that she was wearing her ugly, worn bra with simple cotton briefs in a different color when Holtzmann undressed her. The tenderness of Holtzmann's voice and the softness in her eyes when she did it. How Holtzmann quickly wiped her hands on her pants before she pushed Erin's underwear over her hips, hinting that she wasn't the only one who was nervous. How Holtzmann got self-conscious when Erin looked at her naked and called her gorgeous. How her lips didn't leave Erin's unless she was kissing some other part of her.  
How possessive Erin got when they were naked together. How loud. How wet. How it drove her to distraction when Holtzmann brushed her lips over her nipple. How every part of her body became an erogenous zone under her hands. How responsive she was to her lips when she kissed her way up the inside of her thigh and then shaped around her swollen clit. How she didn't tense up and had no problem coming even though it was their first time, because Holtzmann knew what she was doing like no lover she'd had before. How she trembled and burned like she had only a vague idea that she could. How she kissed her own arousal off Holtzmann's glistening lips in gratitude. She didn't recognize herself. How different it was when you loved. How different with someone who loved you.  
How patient Holtzmann was as Erin explored her body and did everything for the first time. How responsive even to the clumsiest of rookie moves, how encouraging of every attempt to learn how she worked. How patient, until the moment when Erin had spent an eternity in the cradle of her thighs, kissing her neck, cupping her breast, mapping out her body with her fingers, moving her sex against Holtzmann's agonizingly slowly, adoring the feeling of her soft folds against her own. How patient, until the moment when Erin experimentally slipped a hand between them and ran a cautious circle around her swollen arousal with her fingertips and Holtzmann grabbed her wrist, told her not to stop in a voice that was way beyond joking. How Erin watched the miracle of her climax slack-jawed, incredulous that she had made it happen.  
How tightly Holtzmann held her afterward and how safe she felt, even though Holtzmann was small and fragile compared to her previous lovers.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You know the drill :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lesbihonest, the last chap is about 98.5% random smut... Thanks for reading, lovelies! It's been a great ride.

Her body was tender and stiff in unfamiliar places. It felt strangely heavy and sated. Holtzmann was still here, with her. She hadn't ruined it this time. Euphoria and relief washed over her. She tried to repress a giggle as she saw Holtzmann's hand cupped around her breast. At least she was consistent. She turned over to face her. Her sleep warm lover stirred slowly and opened a tired eye. A smile spread on her face like sunrise. Erin's stomach flipped. Holtzmann was so beautiful when she smiled.

She leaned over to kiss her.

"Urgh. Holtz, don't, I have terrible breath."

"True."

But she didn't stop. Soon, Erin didn't care about morning breath, or anything else than Holtzmann's hands on her, moving down her body. And then her lips and tongue.

"The breakfast of champions!" Holtzmann joked as she came back up, daintily wiping Erin's excess moisture from the corner of her mouth.

Erin stubbornly held her hand all the way through their actual breakfast, even though it made the meal a challenge. Afterward, she hesitated for a moment before sitting down on Holtzmann's lap. It felt stupid. Like something a grown woman shouldn't do. Also? Wonderful. Like something Erin Gilbert definitely wanted to do. Holtzmann put her arms around her and pressed her cheek against the bared skin between the open top buttons of her shirt.

"I could get used to this view," she mumbled.

"I'm sorry I've been an ass."

"I could say sorry that I've been so persistent. Except I'm really not."

"Me neither."

Allowing herself to admit she had feelings for Jillian Holtzmann, it was like she’d opened a door and couldn't close it again. Holtzmann slipped her hand underneath her shirt and scraped her nails against her lower back. Erin shivered. She didn't know what this made her. Except very much in love. And almost constantly sexually aroused.

Their shower was mostly just kissing under running water, until they looked like raisins.

Erin went to find some clean clothes. When she got back, Holtzmann was wearing the fuchsia smoking jacket. She loved Holtzmann in red… She didn't realize until she turned around that Holtzmann wasn't wearing anything underneath it this time. It was open, showing a broad strip of ivory skin from Holtzmann's neck down to her navel. Desire slammed into Erin. She had to have her.

"It's my turn."

"Your turn to do what?"

Holtzmann gasped as Erin ran her tongue along her sternum.

"Oh… OK."

"Holtz?"

"Mmmhm?"

"Shut up."

She gasped again as Erin's hand slid up the inside of her thigh, brushing her sex.

"OK."

Erin traced a path down her stomach with her lips. She had been hesitant to do this the first time they slept together. What if she'd be bad at it? What if she couldn't make her lover come? What if she just wouldn't know what to do? The fears were gone as she felt her own arousal on the inside of her thigh and barely managed not to touch herself for relief as she pressed her lips against Holtzmann's hot, slick folds.

"Tell me if I do it wrong," she mumbled before letting her tongue brush the silky surface.

"Unlikely."

Her voice was low and breathy and went straight to Erin's core. She loved every soft sound, every blushing inch of her, the warm arousal on her lips. She slid her tongue along the pink, swollen length of her, relishing the slippery heat on her lips, feeling her tremble underneath her, tense like a coil. When Holtzmann fell over the edge on the tip of her tongue. Erin kept on kissing her, drawing it out, making every moaning, shuddering moment last, making her crest over and over again, arching off the bed into her touch.  
She still didn't touch herself. She wanted to wait and come for Holtzmann. She wore her out that night, coaxing all her secrets and preferences out of her. 24 hours. That's all it took for Holtzmann's body to feel like home. For her to feel like going down on a woman was nothing and she'd been doing it her whole life. Like they had always been doing this, Holtzmann resting on her shoulder, Erin with a hand buried in her blond curls, falling asleep while playing with her hair.

***

They hadn't told Abby and Patty yet. They were aware that it might affect the group and they were both still trying to navigate their way around being lovers. It was only a matter of time before they'd realize, she knew that as they all sat down for pizza and comparative notes on their different projects a few days later. Holtzmann had hardly said anything the entire evening. She just kept glancing at Erin, smiling. Erin on her part had talked too much, babbled about nothing. She was desperately trying to find topics of conversation that wasn't about how good Holtzmann felt naked or how she gave her butterflies just from looking at her. Patty kept throwing suspicious looks at her and when Abby pulled her into the kitchen, Erin suspected they were going to talk about why they were acting strangely. They were right: she was acting strangely. She felt drunk on these new sensations. High on Holtzmann and what was happening between them.

Holtzman took a long, loud sip of the last of her soda. Erin looked at the empty pizza box.

"Good?"

"No idea."

Erin raised her eyebrows.

"Everything still tastes like you. I feel you on my tongue."

Abby and Patty came back and Erin almost couldn't function because there wasn't a thought in her head apart from desire.

Patty glanced from Holtzmann to Erin and back again.

"Well, well, well…"

Abby looked at them with eyebrows hiked up.

"What?"

Erin tried to look normal and apparently failed.

"Fess up. How long has this been going on?"

Patty glared at them.

"Why, Patty, I'm sure I don't have a clue what you're talking about."

Holtzmann grinned and winked. Erin sighed and gave up.

"Three days."

"Two days and eighteen hours, to be specific."

Erin fell a little more in love with Holtzmann because she counted.

Despite their protests, their fellow ghostbusters decided they needed alone time. Abby hugged her, teary eyed. She was surprisingly sentimental about stuff like this. Patty kissed her cheek and whispered "About time, girl!"

Before they left, Patty turned around and glared at them.

"When we return tomorrow morning, everyone will be fully clothed and there will be no nasty activities on any of my work spaces during the night, is that clear?"

"Well, actually, now that you mention it…"

"Really, Holtzy!?"

She relaxed when Holtzmann laughed and winked at her.

After they left, Holtzmann turned around slowly.

"Time for dessert, don't you think?"

"There's some chocolate mousse in the fridge."

"I was thinking more along the lines of some slow, sweet lovemaking."

She punctured every word with a kiss down Erin's neck.

"Better than chocolate…" Erin breathed out between kisses. She backed Holtzmann up against the big pillar behind her.

"I can taste you too."

They ate the chocolate mousse afterward, in the middle of the night, Holtzmann in Erin's robe, in the cradle of Erin's thighs and Erin naked under Holtzmann's shirt. When they were done, Holtzmann ran her fingers lightly along the inside of her thighs until Erin was wet and trembling again and went down on her on the kitchen floor, calling her the best dessert she'd ever had.

***

Erin's ex-boyfriend had the habit of stopping just when she was getting aroused. Not before, just when she was getting to the point where she was desperate to come. She knew the science behind men getting sleepy after ejaculation. She didn't blame him for nature. She did however resent him for not caring enough to ask if she got there before giving into sleep. Most nights, she would sneak into the bathroom and relieve the tension in her tense, trembling body that he couldn't seem to learn how to do.  
Holtzmann never stopped. Holtzmann looked at her with the same laser focus she gave her machines as she touched her. She didn't mistake her stillness and Erin's tendency to slip away into herself for a few minutes before coming for disinterest and didn't get bored if she took a long time to get off. She learned how she worked and what she liked. Erin didn't have trouble coming when she touched her. Someone caring if she was turned on or not turned out to be Erin's biggest turn-on. When she came back down from her high, Holtzmann always had this look of delight on her face, like something magical had happened. Erin had never been someone's magic before.  
None of her relationships had been like this: feeling out of control because you can't focus when your lover touches you. It never got old how quickly Holtzmann would respond to her. She grabbed her wrist to get her attention while she was welding, mask and loud music making anything but touch impossible for communication. Holtzmann stopped and looked down on her hand and when she looked up, Erin saw the wheels turning in her mind. Two minutes later, they were kissing hungrily, pressed up against Holtzmann's work station in violation of a number of safety regulations that Holtzmann didn't follow anyway.

She never had to hide her need for affection or sex. With her last boyfriend, there had been some sort of rule system or quota that was only obvious to him. One hug in a day was fine, maybe two, rarely three. He never asked if she needed to come again if she made it there once and there was a deadline for cuddling after sex, before she was expected to roll off or away and leave him alone.

She looked at her lover sitting on a high swivel chair, back to her, and let her eyes follow the lovely abrupt line of a strong jaw, down her shoulder, to the soft curve above her waist and had to touch her. She wrapped her arms around her and Holtzmann precariously leaned back on the high chair and put her head on Erin's shoulder and breathed her tongue into her mouth. Craving skin, Erin pushed her hand into her bra and shaped her it around her breast. She brushed her nipple with her thumb and Holtz took a deep audible breath and had to use her other hand to steady herself. They separated when they heard Abby approaching the stairs. It wasn't workplace appropriate behavior, at all. But she had done it anyway. Because she wanted to and because she knew that Holtzmann would let her. Like she would let her do so many things that made her feel good.

She could lose track of herself in the middle of an equation, in the sense memory of Holtzmann's warm lips around her nipple or her palm moving up the inside of her thigh. Once, Holtzmann had thrown a blanket over Erin's lap and gotten her off on the second-floor couch, a look of quiet determination on her face. The next day, she had touched the faint mark Erin had left on her neck, trying to keep quiet with Patty and Abby right below them. She looked at her while sliding her fingertips over the discoloration and that was all it took. A few minutes later, she was moaning as silently as she could into Holtzmann's mouth as her hand slid past the elastic of her underwear.

She loved pulling the pins out of Holtzmann's hair, or the scarf she used to keep it up and watch it tumble down her shoulders. She loved loosening her tie or unbuttoning her shirt. Unclasping the ScrewU pendant and putting it on her bedside table. Pulling her boots off if she wasn't quick enough.  
Kiss swollen lips, shirt hanging off her shoulders unbuttoned, in too much hurry to touch Erin to have the patience to undress herself: she loved Holtzmann. This private, for-her-eyes-only Holtzmann she loved even more. Then there was soft, pliable, and surprisingly cuddly post coital Holtzmann, burying her face in Erin's neck and shaping herself after her body, so they formed a single entity as they talked about random things before drifting off to sleep. That was also her favorite Holtzmann.

With Holtzmann, easily grossed out Erin would eat yoghurt with her lover's used spoon. The smell of her sweat when she had been working hard aroused her. She didn't shower after sex if they weren't going out, she wanted to smell like them for as long as she could, smell like Holtzmann for as long as she could. She borrowed her worn clothes, her cologne, even her toothbrush once when she got ecto on her own. She used to be worried about germs, now she was worried that her pillowcase would stop smelling like sleep warm Holtzmann.

When she had her period for the first time during their relationship, she got weepy, snappy and bloated and tried to avoid Holtzmann so she wouldn't take it out on her. Her lover just left and came back with her favourite chocolate bar and an offer of a backrub and Erin nearly cried from the relief of being with someone who knew what she was going through.  
When it was Holtzmann's turn, Erin happily and dutifully served as the outer spoon to warm her aching lower back, with a hand pressed against her stomach. And the willing partner in Holtzmann's seemingly insatiable PMS horniness.

Maybe the strangest thing of all: Holtzmann liked her the way she was. When she asked what turned her on, the answer was simply: her.

"I get horny from holding your hand. Watching you solve a physics problem. You want to get me hot? Do you."

Holtzmann sucked gently on her pulse point in the way she had discovered Erin couldn't resist.

"Don't you know you drive me crazy? Do you want to know about my wet dreams?"  
Erin moaned softly under Holtzmann's lips.

"Yes…"

"It's you wearing my t-shirt. You holding one of my proton guns and I'm seconds away from that look on your face you get when I've made you something badass. How excited you get when you've had a scientific breakthrough. You in the morning, when you want me to go down on you, but for some reason refuse to use your words like a grown woman and how frustrated you get when I pretend not to get you."

"Holtz?"

"Mmhmm?"

"Would you…would you go down on me?"

"Hell yes."

She had never been anyone's magic before.

***

Being fellow ghostbusters and sleeping together wasn't friction free. It took some getting used to. Erin had always been worried when Holtzmann got reckless, but now she had the right to say it, or so she thought. Holtzmann was always by her side now and Erin decided to give the new overprotectiveness some time to calm down before bringing it up.

  
She discovered that she reacted differently to things. Holtzmann made a joke at her expense. Just a stupid prank, like she used to before they were together. A few weeks before, she would hardly have noticed. This time, it made her furious. She stormed up the stairs to the lab, where Holtzmann was checking their gear for damage.

"Holtz, can I talk to you?"

Erin surprised both herself and Holtzmann by shouting instead of talking. Holtzmann froze and looked at her, baby blues wide with surprise. Erin told her how it wasn't the same now that they were sleeping together. How she needed her to be on her side. That she hated being the butt of her jokes.

"I don't know why it's different now. It just is."

She wasn't sure what response she had expected, maybe at least an argument or an eyeroll. Another joke, maybe.

"OK."

Express discomfort. Get comfort in return. Could it be like this? This easy?

"I'm sorry. I love you."

Holtzmann looked earnestly at her, her face puppy dog sad with worry, until Erin smiled and pulled her close.

"I love you too."

Looking back, she could see how her crush on Holtzmann might have started when she told her the ghost girl story. The changes on her vivid face, how genuinely sad she looked for her had made Erin feel soft inside, despite the jokes.

Sometimes, she forgot that her confidante Abby was Holtzmann's best friend too. She tried to manage TMI, but she failed sometimes. Holtzmann was contagious. Some of Erin's filters didn't work as well as they had.

Abby found a pair of gloves she didn't recognize.

"Holtzmann has tiny hands, so these are obviously not hers."

Erin smiled dreamily.

"But she has a really long tongue…"

"Cream and sugar… I did not need to know that. Erin…"

"Sorry. My bad."

She made a face. Her two best friends sleeping together must be awkward for Abby in some ways. She tried not to give her too many visuals, she really did.

***

She expanded her sexual horizons. Being with a woman was just the start of it. Still, she regarded the object Holtzmann had brought home with suspicion. She had been with men with real penises and failed to see the point of using a rubber one. Real penises hadn't given her half the satisfaction that Holtzmann gave her on a regular basis.

"Holtz? You didn't get that thing because you think I miss being with a man, right?"

"Nope. Have the impression that our sex life is mutually satisfying?"

She took Erin's hand and bent forward to whisper in her ear.

"I got it because the thought of being inside you like that turns me on so much it occasionally keeps me up at night. Because just thinking about it makes me want to drag you out of the lab right now and rip your clothes off."

Holtzmann's wet dreams became her wet dreams. They were each other's favourite sex toy.

They kissed slowly and Holtzmann cupped her breasts until she got restless and pulled her head down to make her kiss them. Holtzmann's warm hand moved up the inside of her thigh, but avoided her center until she was wet and squirming.

"Come here?"

Erin shook her head.

"You know how wet I get when you do that. I can't."

Holtzmann grinned.

"I do. I love it."

She sat up.

"Babe… I'm serious. It's a huge turn on for me that you get so aroused."

She touched her cheek.

"I wouldn't ask if I weren't sure I'd love it."

Erin felt intensely self-conscious as she lowered herself over Holtzmann's face. But also, aroused. She did and wanted to do things with Holtzmann she had never wanted to do with other people. Erin groaned and rested her overheated forehead against the cool wall as Holtzmann's tongue pushed into her. She moved her lips and tongue deliberately slowly and gently over her sex, until Erin was soaked and would have done anything to come.  
When Holtzmann finally pushed into her, Erin grabbed her hips and impatiently pulled her deep inside, grinding against the soft leather of the harness. She felt no hesitation whatsoever as Holtzmann caught her wrists above her head and slid the toy against her g-spot over and over. It was the best of both worlds, being filled up by her while feeling her breasts against her own and the silky skin of her stomach above the toy. She loved how both of Holtzmann's hands were free to touch her in other places. When she took her nipple in her mouth and put her weight on one arm so she could use the other one to circle her clit, Erin shivered around the shaft of in one of the most powerful climaxes of her life, greedily pulling Holtzmann as deep into her as she could.

They did it again. It became one of Erin's favorites. But she wasn't satisfied. Thinking about Holtzmann underneath her, filled up by her: she had to know what it was like, she couldn't stop wondering. Holtzmann was the confident one of them. But Erin got to see a rare glimpse of vulnerability when she asked.

"Does it turn you on?"

"So much that it occasionally keeps me up at night." Erin echoed and smiled at her lover.

Holtzmann took a deep breath.

"OK, babe. Let's do it. But you have to be gentle with me, it's my first time."

Holtzmann winked at her and grinned, but Erin was pretty convinced it was also true. Nothing she had told her gave any indication that she had been with a man and they hadn't really talked about what toys Holtzmann liked to use apart from the one she wanted to use on her.

They kissed forever, limbs tangled up, sharing sweat and arousal, Erin taking care to touch her everywhere she knew she liked. It felt like it was the first time she was in charge of guiding them through this and she was going to take that responsibility seriously.  
Holtzmann was out of breath and impatient against her hand. She switched to using her mouth and she became tense underneath her. Erin wouldn't let her come, withdrawing just when she felt her getting close.

"Erin… You're killing me. I need to…"

"Are you ready?" she whispered softly in her ear and Holtzmann nodded quickly. Erin had a feeling she might have agreed to anything at that point to get to come.

She made Holtzmann go on top, ostensibly because she could set the pace and depth herself that way. But Erin also selfishly wanted to look at her move above her. Watching Holtzmann when she was turned on was Erin's favorite thing in the world.  
Seeing her sink down slowly on the pearly white shaft was insanely hot. She let her adjust in her own time before she gently pushed up into her. Her jaw dropped and she groaned when pleasure shot through her as the leather harness created delicious friction. Being inside of a woman was lovely, even with the strap-on proxy. It was slick and warm and Erin could swear she felt Holtzmann's walls contracting around it. She brushed her thumb over her clit and it was her lovers turn to groan. She sucked her fingers and gently rolled Holtzmann's nipple in the warm wetness. There was some of Holtzmann's shiny arousal on her stomach now. She couldn't get enough. She loved the testament of how she was turning her lover on. Holtzmann leaned forward. Erin pulled her closer and sighed at the warmth of her chest against her own. Her lover moved subtly against the toy and Erin moaned at the friction.

"I see…"

Holtzmann mumbled in her ear and adjusted her movements according to the soft sounds Erin was making, grinding slowly, watching Erin's breathing get deeper and deeper and her chest heave as Holtzmann turned the table and controlled her arousal. It was agonizingly slow. And so hot. Erin tethered on the brink of coming almost painfully, for minutes. It was lovely. Always, with Holtzmann, it was lovely.

After shuddering against the leather, she looked into Holtzmann's eyes and touched her dimpled cheek as she smiled.

"I was supposed to make you come, not the other way around."

She sounded almost admonishing.

"Getting you off gets me off."

Erin believed her. It was mutual. Nothing turned her on like being Holtzmann's aphrodisiac.

"Speaking of making me come…"

Erin started moving slowly again. She pushed at Holtzmann's shoulders so she could take a hard nipple in her mouth. It had been so, so slow when Holtzmann had called the shots. She continued like that, until Holtzmann's eyes drifted shut and her breath became irrational in the way that Erin had come to recognize. She slipped a hand between them and added assertive circles around Holtzmann's swollen clit. Holtzmann loved contrasts. Being pushed against a wall only to be kissed softly, tenderly. Erin used to suck on her nipple, hard, only to blow softly on it right after. She kept the penetration gentle and tender, while making her fingers swift and demanding. When Holtzmann came, she looked almost surprised. Erin knew she had had low expectations for this exercise, so she loved how crazy she had managed to make her.

Holtzmann was even more cuddly than usual that night. Every time they challenged each other sexually, she felt like they got closer emotionally. She was less and less afraid of being vulnerable. Maybe Holtzmann felt the same way.

"You're such a great lover." Erin whispered in her ear as they drifted off to sleep, the scent of each other's arousal on their skin and the toy forgotten on the floor by the bed. Holtzmann sleepily took her hand and entangled their fingers before falling asleep.

***

They went to their usual bar with Abby and Patty and Erin ran into an old colleague from Columbia. One she had actually liked, who had the decency to say he was sorry she got fired. She spent some of the evening with him, laughing about the ridiculousness of university politics and getting updated with the latest developments. She had a vague memory that she once had found him attractive, or at least handsome. She had no idea why now, but she enjoyed his company. He asked if she was still with Phil. Erin had the distinct feeling that he knew she wasn't, but was trying to be polite and not let on that he had listened to gossip. She pointed to their table.

"That's my girlfriend over there, actually."

It was one of the first times she had called her that in public. It felt equally unnerving and wonderful, the word alien on her tongue. But Holtzmann wasn't there. Her spot was empty. Erin excused herself to look for her. She found her leaning against the wall outside, looking at the stars. Judging by how cold her hand was, she had been there for a while.

"Hey babe. What are you doing?"

Holtzmann shook her head.

"SO out of character for me."

"What is?"

"Jealousy."

Erin felt genuinely surprised. Then it dawned on her.

"That guy? In there? He used to teach at Columbia, we were talking university politics.  
That… bothered you?"

"He's totally into you, in case you hadn't noticed."

Holtzmann took a deep breath and looked her in the eyes.

"I guess I'm still afraid you're going to leave me for some new Kevin. I'm sorry. I'm an ass."

"I'm so in love with you it hurts a little when we're apart. Physically."

She wasn't big on vulnerability, but she figured Holtzmann deserved some honesty after revealing weaknesses in her armour. Also, she hadn't known she was going to say it before she blurted it out.

"Erin… Sweet Erin. You have to let that go."

But there were tears in Holtzmann's eyes and the tone didn't quite manage to be teasing. She pulled Erin close.

"Had no idea how crazy being in love makes you."

Erin held her tightly until her breath was calm and even against her shoulder.

When they went back in to join the others, Patty was telling Abby about her last date with John, who had failed to impress. You did not arrive half an hour late for a date with Patty Tolan. Patty had standards. She shook her head.

"I want someone who looks at me the way Holtzy looks at Erin. Like I'm the only damn woman in the world. I'm not going to lower my standards."

It was Erin's turn to feel tears burn her eyes. She reached for Holtzmann's hand and didn't let go all evening, not even in the cab going home.

They touched for hours that night, reaffirming that they were both all-in, committed. Afterward Erin stayed awake and watched Jillian sleep. Holtzmann had showed her the cracks in her armor. And Erin had acted out her worst fear: being totally vulnerable and exposed to another person. But Holtzmann was still here, a sea of messy curls on the pillow next to her, an arm flung over Erin, muttering subtly in her sleep. Being her clingiest, neediest self hadn't scared her away. Erin realized that in some way, she had kept her at a distance up until that moment, still afraid to get hurt. But maybe she was finally ready.

***

She was so far out of her comfort zone here. She had occasionally worn matching underwear for a boyfriend before. But this was… lingerie. Underwear bought with the single purpose of arousing whomever you showed them to. She had no idea what color to pick or what style she might look good in. And more importantly, she had no clue how Holtzmann would feel about her in an outfit like that. Erin had the nightmarish thought that she might laugh. She straightened her shoulders. She could take it. It wasn't like she'd never been laughed at before. And she was stronger now. She just wanted to do something to mark that this evening was special. That they were doing something different. That she was doing something different. She wanted to do something to show Holtzmann that she was serious and serious about them.

"What does your…" She glanced down at Erin's ringless finger "boyfriend enjoy? What's his favorite color?"

"Red…"

Erin smiled a dreamy smile.

"Actually, no. That's my favorite color on her. She looks great in red."

She could tell the shop girl didn't quite dare to ask. So she took a deep breath and answered anyway.

"It's a girl. A girlfriend."

She gave herself a mental pat on the back. Almost there. Almost no trepidation about how people would react. No temptation to hide. She pulled her phone out and showed the picture on the screen. That was above and beyond, the girl probably didn't care what her girlfriend looked like. But for Erin, carrying her picture around and showing it had been a confirmation ritual of sorts. They were really doing this. They were a couple. She had a picture of her lover on her cell phone, like other people did. In the beginning, she did it to get used to the idea of dating a woman. Now, it was mostly just bragging.

"She's gorgeous. Well played."

The girl beamed at her. There was no hint of judgement as she looked at the picture of Holtzmann laughing into the camera, blond curls falling over one eye, nose scrunched up and dimples on full battle stations.

"She is."

Erin nodded. She knew she was being smug about it, but she still had a bad case of rollercoaster stomach every time she saw the picture herself.

"You'd look good in black."

She leaned over conspiratorially.

"But black is boring. You lady doesn't look like someone who goes for conventional."

Erin nodded gratefully at the suggestion of a few different choices to bring into the changing room. It was some sort of plum in the end, slightly lighter. A strange color, but Erin had to agree with the sales girl that it made her look great. All her natural colors were enhanced by the simple, form fitting lace garment. Erin looked into the mirror and saw a smoking hot woman looking back at her. No one would assume that this woman wore tweed and tiny bowties.

***

Erin panicked when she heard Holtzmann coming up the stairs. For a brief moment, she considered jumping out of bed, grabbing her robe and pretend she had been on her way to the shower all along. The off button for the music was too far away and Holtzmann was almost there already. The whole idea of waiting for her in a sexy outfit, cooled champagne and makeout friendly music suddenly seemed trite and cringeworthy.  
She could almost see how the racing pulse made the color rise on Holtzmann's alabaster cheekbones when she saw her and stopped abruptly in the doorway. She took a deep breath, closed her eyes and exhaled, slowly. Her breath was shaky. She shrugged her jacket off and mid stride kicked her shoes off. Three strides later, Erin was pulled into her arms.  
The lace garment was transparent in some places and Erin could feel the softness of Holtzmann's worn t-shirt through it and then her skin, as she impatiently threw it off. The friction of the lace made her nipples harden almost painfully. She grabbed Holtzmann's ass and pulled her hips against her centre. She came before she was even naked, the delicious resistance of the lace against her folds being enough, with the added pressure of Holtzmann's body weight.  
Holtzmann's reaction made one of her most expensive purchases to date worth every penny, even if it did end up crumpled on the floor.  
Holtzmann rolled off of her and Erin tried to catch her breath.

"I guess this answers the question if you would get off on this or not."

"Babe… I would find you irresistible in your slimed jumpsuit. And frequently do."

Holtzmann grinned at her and brushed her lips over Erin's nipple, making her gasp and flinch, in the best possible way.

"But the fact that you did this? Went through all this trouble for me? Huge turn-on."

She pressed a soft kiss to her palm.

"What's the occasion?"

"Holtz…"

Something in her tone of voice made Holtzmann look up and frown.

"Wuh-uh… Your 'we need to talk' tone. Can I at least assume that you didn't buy hot lingerie to break up with me?"

"Of course I'm not breaking up with you."

Erin's voice was soft.

"It's kind of the opposite."

She definitely had Holtzmann's attention now. She took a deep breath and swallowed the lump in her throat. This moment would change everything.

"You remember when you asked if it was this world…? If we should.. or would… be married in this world?"

"No. I've totally forgotten one of the most humiliating moments of my life."

"Holtz… be serious."

"I'm sorry. But you're kind of making me nervous and I deflect. As you know."

She did. She remembered the post vortex phase where Holtzmann would make bad vortex-related jokes, invariably followed by a teary eyed bearhug that left Erin with sore ribs and a warm feeling of being loved inside.

"So… maybe it is."

Holtzmann sat straight up in bed.

"Erin Gilbert: are you asking me to marry you?"

"Maybe…"

She took a deep breath.

"Yes."

Holtzmann closed her eyes and leaned her forehead against Erin's.

"You're my favorite world."

"So is that…?"

"In every world. I'd marry you in every world."

***

The next morning, there was a new simulation moving on Erin's desktop. It's preposterous from a scientific perspective. Nothing makes sense. Nothing holds up to scrutiny. There are multiple parallel worlds. But they're all the same. Erin smiles.

"That's terrible science, my darling."

"Everything that can happen does. And there's just no way I'm not married to you in all these worlds. Couldn't happen. So, I fixed it."

"Holtz?"

"Yes, baby?"

"If there are worlds where I'm not married to you, I don't want to know."

Erin kissed her softly.


End file.
